I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
