Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
