You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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