So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
