When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
