i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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