I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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