i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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