He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
