I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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