Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
