My Higher Power is John Stamos
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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