Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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