Already got asked if we're dating
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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