dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
