if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
