btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
