i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
