I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
