Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
