I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
