Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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