I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
