I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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