ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
3pm strippers are depressing
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
