Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
