Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
