Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
