I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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