I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
