1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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