You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Randomize
