So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
