Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
