I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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