All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
