the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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