Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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