True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
