Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
time to smoke my breakfast
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
