he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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