I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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