her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
