True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
