I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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