Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
YAS. BRING CRAB.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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