I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
