Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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