I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
