hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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